Friday, May 23, 2008

1001 More Stupid Things You Must Do Before You Die: Tales From the Palliative Care Bookshelf

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For goodness sake! Last time i was in a bookshop (real, not amazonian) i saw yet another one of those 101 or 1001 THINGS YOU MUST DO BEFORE YOU DIE books.

This one was something along the lines of "101 British Garden Walks you Must Do Before You Die". Really? Must I? I don't even know what a "bandwagon" is - but every publisher seems to have jumped on board. I guess with baby boomers nearing death, the market needs to squeeze out every last dollar.

If you're actively dying these incessant lists are just going to stress you out! You'll die feeling like a failure only having reached #356 of the chronologically arranged movies in "1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die"- a great pity as when the "Talkies" get going- cinema really seems to take off.

What about those 1001 books? That's going to take a lifetime (literally...um... er.. and literally)... and also figuratively in the sense that the whole thing resembles the "1001 Tales from the Arabian Nights" where Scheherazade has to keep spinning yarns (Our autobiographical narratives) to stop her homicidal (Uxoricidal) husband ("Death") from decapitating her. When the last story ends, she's dead.

And while we're on the subject- what about this strange fascination with the particular numerology? Why 101, 1001, 10001? Because they are prime? And why specify the "before" in "before you die"? It's not like you can do anything when you are dead- can you? Maybe when you're an angel- you get so busy you don't have time.

Here's My List:

"11 Things You REALLY Must Do Before You Die"

1. Make a will.
2. Phone people that pissed you off in your life and tell them to F-ck off.
3. Stop breathing.
4. Say goodbye.
5. Plan your funeral.
6. Make a video that begins with "If you are watching this then it means that i am dead..."
7. Go rollerskating.
8. Phone the after hours help line of "Ocean Spray Pty Ltd" ... tell them you just drank a glass of "Ocean Spray Light" (OSL) that contains "No artificial colorings or flavourings"... and say the following in a short, desperate, breathy voice-
"Drank OSL with NACOF-"
"Can't breathe-"
"Allergy to sucralose!!!"
"Call ambulance!!!"
"Help!!!"
"Wife is Lawyer!" (small voice)

9. Tell your family that you loved them even though they disappointed you and you disappointed them.
10. Swim towards the light
11. At the last moment, and after a life of vigilante-like zealous agnosticism, recant and call in your Rabbi.






1 comment:

  1. Here are all the Movie trailers all in one place... 1001 Movie Trailers

    ReplyDelete

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